Daily Life Lessons from Rabbi Heschel
Year 3 Day 243
“The years of old age may enable us to attain the high values we failed to sense, the insights we have missed, the wisdom’s we ignored. They are indeed formative years, rich in possibilities to unlearn the follies of a lifetime, to see through inbred self-deceptions, to deepen understanding and compassion, to widen the horizon of honesty, to refine the sense of fairness.”(Insecurity of Freedom pg.78)(Bold is used to highlight the sentence I am writing on)
The bolded half-sentence above is eye-opening and, frankly, a shockingly wonderful way to experience “old age”! While there are two opposing views of “old people”, one that shows us doddering, mumbling, wearing Depends, etc. and the other which Jack LaLane portrayed of totally fit, being like the 90 year-old marathon runners. The reality is most of us are neither doddering nor fit enough to run a marathon, we are somewhere on the continuum and, many of us are trying to find things to occupy our time, be it children, grandchildren, hobbies, pickleball, golf, shopping, museums, lunches with ‘the girls’ or ‘the guys’…
And in the midst of this search, this time-killing soul crushing search for relevance comes the teaching of Rabbi Heschel above. “Old age” is a time to formulate our legacy, to reflect on what we have accomplished and what we still need to accomplish, to see the “possibilities” that abound for us and, especially, the “possibilities to unlearn the follies of a lifetime”! We are given these years as a gift, not a punishment. Our experience of “old age” does not have to be one of waiting to die nor one of filling our time trying to be relevant and needed. We are relevant and needed just because we are alive, just because we have a wealth of experience and knowledge as I wrote about in prior days. We are have to realize the truth of the teaching above, not wait for someone else to validate us. One of the major follies of our lifetimes is that we have to prove our relevance, we have to be a human doing rather than a human being! Being the richest is not a badge of honor, being the shrewdest doesn’t get you a better seat in the next world, having the most toys wins us nothing special in death. Yet, these and so many more follies we continue to chase. “I am only as happy as my unhappiest child”,“If I only had _______, my life would be good”, and so many other “follies” we have believed Yet, these and so many more follies we continue to chase. “I am only as happy as my unhappiest child”, “I have to put all my affairs in order so my children don’t have to deal with them”, “My only joy is my grandchildren, children,…”, “If I only had _______, my life would be good”, and so many other “follies” we have believed. Isn’t it time to use these “formative years” to end our pursuit of these follies we have built up and spent our lives chasing?
Del Webb coined the phrase “golden years” in 1959 to sell his 55+ communities and many of us have bought into this phrase. Yet instead of living into the ways Rabbi Heschel is giving us to use these “golden years” most of us spend them unwisely-maybe as unwisely as we spent our years up till now-“through inbred self-deceptions”! So many of us spend so much time and energy on our “inbred self-deceptions” These self-deceptions are passed down from generation to generation and seem to be multiplying as they are passed down. Given the desire of so many people to want a dictator here in America, we see the self-deceptions that these people have grown since 1776, since 1789, since 1865 - all of these being dates of affirming a commitment to equality and democracy. Yet, because of these “inbred self-deceptions” we find ourselves in another civil war, will it be bloody depends on the commitment of those seeking to end the American Experiment and those seeking to continue Democracy, as imperfect as it is here. We also suffer from the familiar and personal “inbred self-deceptions” that we can’t criticize family in public, we can’t ‘air our dirty laundry’, we can’t speak our truth, our experience if it goes against the ‘party line’, we can’t ever reveal our inner dialogue to those closest to us because they will leave us… Now, in our “old age”, we can finally let go of these “inbred self-deceptions”, these falsehoods we have accepted as ‘just the way it is’, the societal norms and false cliches we have spent our lives up till now adopting and adapting to so we could “make it”. We have the power, we have the experience, we have nothing to gain from holding onto these “self-deceptions”, these “follies”, we will not crumble when we let them go, we will not be lost without them. I am positing, based on the teaching above and my experience, we will be freer than ever, we will experience joy, stand straighter and for something and be able to pass on to the next generation our “follies” and “inbred self-deceptions” so they can lose theirs a little sooner than we have.
I realize how my “follies” and “inbred self-deceptions” caused my spiritual crisis of 2020, how they led me to act out inappropriately, how they gave me a false sense of security that my years of service would override this error, how ‘my people’ on the board would stand up for me and I would be restored. No one person is at fault for what happened with me in 2020, and I am responsible as well as guilty of, most of all, holding onto the “follies” and “inbred self-deceptions”, which when they were not realized, when the bubble burst on them, I was shocked, angry, hurt, and bewildered. When a conversation could not occur, when “it is up to the lawyers” took over, I was lost. Living into the teaching above, I finally understand the depth of my part in this whole debacle. My “follies” and my “inbred self-deceptions” no longer control me and I am grateful for the experience of 2020, I know that I will never go back to them again as deeply or as confidently again. God Bless and stay safe, Rabbi Mark