Daily Life Lessons from Rabbi Heschel
Year 3 Day 231
“The aged may be described as a person who does not dream anymore, devoid of ambition and living in fear of losing his status, Regarding himself as a person who has outlived his usefulness, he feels as if he has to apologize for being alive.” (Insecurity of Freedom pg. 73)
The more I read this essay from 1964 the more I am in awe of Rabbi Heschel’s insights, his vision of what was then and what is to come! The descriptions he gives above are real, they are true, and they are valid given society’s relegation of ‘old’ people to these narrow and untrue ways of being. People over a ‘certain age’ are seen as “burdens on the system”,, “drains on the financial health of the family, community, country, etc.”, and, they are seen as “living in the past” rather than the true experience of people who are still thinking about the next “galaxy” to conquer, considering how to fulfill their mission, their “ikigai” as the Japanese say it, in their current status-knowing their purpose and passion hasn’t died they are not in the same roles as they were before.
We are living in a time where ‘the date of birth’ is the first question asked in a medical setting, as my wife Harriet Rossetto writes about, people who “look” old are treated differently than those who don’t, where some Clergy write emails in “all caps” and “bigger fonts” as well as speaking to ‘older adults’ in a louder voice and speaking down to us even in “active retirement communities”. We are treated as if we are broken down and need to be put out to pasture as Race Horses are! We are NOT HORSES! We are living breathing human beings who have learned how to live well and live with joy and wisdom. We have acquired much knowledge and we are balancing our knowledge with the understanding that years of experience bring. We are living more and more in concert with the teachings of Maimonidies and the Kabbalah-in the middle between two opposing forces. This is seen as not dreaming, “devoid of ambition”, and therefore we live “in fear of losing our status” as being needed.
Society’s treatment of us ‘older adults’ as non-useful, as ‘past our prime’, as not being relevant has led many people to regard themselves as having “outlived our usefulness and makes us “apologize for being alive”. How many of us worry about being “a burden on our children” and “using our money for our care instead of leaving it all to our children”? We are very sensitive, probably over-sensitive, to the subliminal messages of our children: do they call us, do they answer when we call, do they return our messages, do they love us, will they honor us and our wishes, do they seek our advice and opinions or just want to argue and hold resentment and grudges for imperfect parenting? Do our children see us as people or as roles, do they understand our need to communicate soul to soul as we tried to raise their souls even in the face of societal norms that we ignored in order to speak to them in ways they could hear? Are they going to join the new order of ‘divorcing parents’ as discussed in a book titled “Rules of Estrangement”?
Now that we are ‘not working’ not being ‘productive’ in the ‘normal’ way of understanding, we are being seen as “outlived our usefulness” because we have become a society of human doings rather than one of being human. Society defines usefulness as it pleases and doesn’t usually see spiritual wisdom as useful, it doesn’t understand that when one’s eyesight may dim, one’s vision of what is, what was, and what can/will be is magnified and more in focus. We have decided what is useful and what isn’t based on utilitarian system, not on a scale of being human, and this is the system we need to return to/begin to use. ‘Old people’ have a wealth of knowledge on how to be humane and inhumane. We have been both and, in our ‘older’ years, we realize the errors of our ways and the many times we ‘hit the mark’. We have so much to impart to people and they seem incapable of hearing us because; you don’t understand the ways things are now”, “life is not the same as it was for you”, “you are not up on the latest”, etc. Yet, society seems to forget: “There is nothing new under the sun” and, as Rabbi Heschel says: “There is nothing stale under the sun except humans who become stale.” We have the wisdom of our errors and mistakes to offer to people, we have the history of how companies, institutions, got started and moved forward, we have no skin in the game except to help our successor and this is often interpreted as ‘not letting go’. Rather than take advantage of what ‘old people’ have learned we reject them as “the past” and we are ‘moving forward’. Yet, without a knowing of our past how can we move forward? We read the Bible every year even though the words don’t change, our understanding of them does, hopefully-knowing where we have been is essential to seeing where we can/need to go.
I have wrestled with being relevant when I am rejected or feel rejected. I know viscerally the teaching above, I know the moments of wondering why I am seen as an impediment rather than a help by the very people I have helped before. I am still dreaming and still relevant, at least in my own mind. I have begun to assert myself instead of accepting the rejections of some as a rejection by all. I am seeking to “spread the word” of Rabbi Heschel, spread the my words and insights over the years through books and speaking where and when I can, and sharing with everyone who wants me. I also am helping others realize dreams they had pushed aside, I am still available to ‘make shit happen’ for another and I continue to stay in touch with family and friends. I continue to support Harriet and Heather in their dreams and love watching my grandson Miles begin to have his own. I know I am relevant, I know I am not a drain, I know I am still useful-no matter what society thinks. “Old age” allows us to live more inside out and this is a true blessing. God Bless and stay safe, Rabbi Mark